Gartner report states the bleeding obvious

AT THE INQUIRER, we love analysts' reports. We snapped up shares in ASP companies as soon as Durlacher predicted a fantasmobezillion dollar market for application service provision. We won’t sell them to anyone (Coz nmobody wants them – Ed).

Imagine our excitement when we saw the title of the latest Gartner doorstep: Alternative Delivery Models: A Sea of New Opportunities and Threats. This examines 14 alternative delivery models and how they’ll radically transform the IT marketplace.

Technology is advancing, says the report. Blimey. Still with us? Well apparently, this presents a scenario that offers new ways to deliver, package and procure IT.

Are arse-holistic sales men still involved? Yes, sadly. But here’s some of the exciting messages they’ll be reading off their cue cards.

"Alternative delivery models will work in non-traditional ways. Traditional methods of IT acquisition and delivery are wrapped in well-honed internal processes." (Blimey, if that bit is true, that really is news).

The report goes on: "Even when part of the IT service is outsourced or handled offshore, the provider runs the day-to-day service and may own part of the assets. The client IT function retains most of the risk and responsibility for the overall design and management of the technology life cycle."

So far, so what?

More nonsense follows, before Gartner lists the 14 new IT delivery methods that will shake the world. There are 20 listed below. See if you can spot which are bogus.

Alternative delivery models include:
Business process utilities (BPUs);
Infrastructure utilities (IUs);
Storage as a service;
Storage as an afterthought
Grid computing;
Communications as a service (CaaS);
Utility computing;
Futility computing
Capacity on demand;
Excuses on demand
IT manager on remand
Thin clients on the blink
Remote management services;
SaaS;
Web platforms;
Community source;
Software streaming;
Software-based “appliances” (SBAs);
User-owned devices.

The report is available on Gartner’s Web site here. µ