The INQUIRER Guide To Celebs Upset By The Internet

SO, ELTON JOHN has proven he can write without some other guy plodding out the platitudes to accompany another syrupy production with that voice like a mouthful of digestive biscuits layered over.

Judging by his considered thought piece in The Sun, it sounds like Sir Elt is no big fan of the internet. Well, at least he can switch it off while the rest of us still can't get Candle In The Wind out of our heads.

It's not just Sir Elton who doesn't want the internet. Over the years there have been plenty of people very angry with the net and, interestingly, a high percentage of them are celebrities. Cluelessness, loss of privacy and fear of losing a scintilla of huge personal wealth are prevailing themes.

In fact, if you type in the name of pretty much anybody famous and annoying, he or she is likely to have a problem with the internet. So join us as we reveal The INQUIRER Guide to Celebs Upset By the Internet.

1. Harrison Ford. Old sulky has always appeared to be the pedantic type likely to have a beef with anything interesting and sure enough, he comes up trumps:

"The worst thing about the internet is that anything and everything is up for grabs. How can that be, when I limit my public conversations to about once every couple of years? Any kind of rubbish goes on the internet and it can have a f**king life of its own."

Yeah, but what you've done there, Harry, is create a ton of demand with your limiting your public conversations. The world needs to hear more from you instead of that staring into space like you're wondering if you left the gas on thing you do so well in the movies.

2. Larry King. You know how you go America and there's nothing to watch on the hotel TV except Larry King and you think ‘how the hell did this guy get this job?' Well, turns out the half-man-half-desk and walking pair of braces doesn't get the net:

“There's 80 billion things on it … I've never done it, never gone searching. I wouldn't love it. What, do you punch little buttons and things?”

Yep, you've got it: it's a punching buttons and things business. Just stick to what you're good at, Lal, whatever it is.

3. Bill O'Reilly. US political commentator O'Reilly is another anti:

“Nearly everyday, there's something written on the Internet about me that's flat out untrue. And I'm not alone. Nearly every famous person in the country's under siege. The reason these net people get away with all kinds of stuff is that they work for no one. They put stuff up with no restraints. This, of course, is dangerous, but it symbolizes what the Internet is becoming.”

Are you really under siege? You should have said sooner. Maybe we could start up a fund: Ordinary People For The Defence of Famous People Against Net People.

4. Janet Street-Porter. “White boys don't just lag behind at school, they spend too much time on their computers. And an increasing number kill themselves,” she begins a comment piece. Makes you want to read on, don't it?

“But the internet's true negative power is to replace real relationships and friendships with cyber pals.”

You've nailed the subject in 500 words again, Jan.

5. John McCain. Presidential hopeful McCain is against net neutrality and would like Steve Ballmer to work for him. Good luck, America.

6. George Clooney. Smug-looking bloke who looks like he spends a lot of time in front of a mirror. Your wife fancies him. He's cross with those maps that tell you where the stars wander:

“There is a simple way to render these guys useless,” Clooney emailed a publicist. “Flood their web site with bogus sightings. Get your clients to get 10 friends to text in fake sightings of any number of stars. A couple hundred conflicting sightings and this Web site is worthless. No need to try to create new laws to restrict free speech. Just make them useless. That's the fun of it. And then sit back and enjoy the ride. Thanks, George.”

Or choose a career not driven by the plumping up of celebrity, Georgie. You can get all the peace in the world that way.

7. Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Another rocker who says you shouldn't download: "For people to just steal a poor sound quality version of it for free because some asshole stole it and put it on the internet is sad to me."

A lot of your music is sad to me, Mr Flea, but these people pay for your T-shirts and concerts so don't sweat the small stuff. And put a shirt on for goodness sakes. µ