The INQUIRER Top 10 Travel Tricks
THANKS TO THE INQUIRER readers that sent through their suggestions on how to survive CES. It gave me a few ideas and got me thinking about a half lifetime’s experience on how to handle plane trips, conferences and the pain in the backside that constitutes modern travel and the conference world.
So here without further ado is our guide to making your trip a good one.
10. Pack as little as possible. You can buy stuff where
you’re going and if you’re British it’s cheaper over there anyway. You should
spend less than 10 minutes on this tiresome chore. Get a carry-on case. Life’s
too short to wait for luggage at airports and
these things are now cheap as VIA chips.
9. Pack your toilet bag carefully. Air travel gives you
bugs, dries you out and runs you down. Take one of those nasal things and stuff
that zaps cold sores if you get them. You’ll need mouthwash, eye drops, lip
salve and skin cream. Women will admire your
sophisticated man-of-the-world look.
8. Beg for an upgrade. Plead, cry, make up stories about illness. Do
what you will, but do demean yourself. Virgin Upper has big chairs, loads of
booze, massages and women who know your name and will talk to you.
8. Be nice to customs people. They’re sociopaths but it’s not like
they’re going to see the error of their ways because you have a go at them. And
it’s not like you’re going to meet them again.
7. Go straight to the bar on arrival. If you’ve just
travelled through the night, you don’t need to look at your damned email but you
do need to orient yourself and you do need to relax. Ask the bell hop where
there’s a decent bar and go there directly, without passing ‘Go’ or collecting
£200. The regulars will
tell you the lie of the land better than some rip-off travel guide and you’ll
have a place to get away from the madding crowd.
6. Drink water all the time. You’re going to be dehydrated so force
some down. Tastes terrible, doesn’t it? Tough, drink some more. At least three
pints a day.
5. Buy fruit. You’re abroad so the food is rubbish. The breakfast costs more than your second divorce and you have to look at people wearing polo shirts with company logos on. Buy six bananas and something orange and you’ll always have some nutrition.
4. Wear layers. If your clothes are wrinkled from the packing, the steam from the shower will iron them out. That way you’re all set when the weather drops from hot to freezing over the course of two hours in San Francisco. And you avoid buying a yellow SF fleece for $10 from Chinatown.
3. Don’t use the phone in the room. Trust me, you can’t afford it. Bill Gates can’t afford it.
2. Wear soft shoes. You’re walking all day and everybody else is doing it so don’t worry about the fact that you look like a prat. Even though you do.
1. Be rude immediately to annoying people. Unlike the case with customs, unless you make your feelings clear you might get stuck with annoying people for the whole trip. Telling them straight upfront they’re not your kind of guy is politic. µ
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I'm not surprised Martin Veitch has a tough time while travelling, his advice is a mess of out-of-date cliches and contradictions. The only sound advice is #7 (be nice to customs people), though he really should be nice to US immigration people too - maybe that's just a lack of experience talking.
You WILL need hold luggage as your carry-on is your laptop, iPod and other indispensible toys. So pack your suitcase sensibly, but leave room for cheap american jeans and thw swag you'll bring back from the exhibition.
You won't get ann upgrade on the flight, so don't bother pestering the checkin staff - you're more likely to be detained by security and miss the flight. Just put your earplugs in (even if your music is off) and that way you can ignore the other passengers - although they'll be ignoring you, too.
After a transatlantic flight, the last thing you need is more booze: avoid the bar. Got straight to your hotel and catch up on some ZZZZ's you'll feel much better the next day.
Food in america is cheap, cheap, cheap. Don't go for three squares a day, or you'll put on masses of weight. Have a light breakfast, skip lunch and pog-out in the evening (preferably with other people)
Don't be rude to people over there (even if they deserve it). Rtemember, guns are legal - and frequently used!!!
Layered clothes are good, so go with that. But steer clear of a yellow San Fransisco fleece if you want to survive CES, as everyone knows that it is in Las Vegas, oh yes and by the way - it finished the day before the article was published :-(
Top 11 list, perhaps? There are two suggestions which claim to be #8.
You left out P.J. O'Rourke's number one bit of travel advice: always pack drunk. It's served me well many times, so far as I recall...
8. Sleep
Otherwise you might end up making mistakes on your next Top 10 list.
This is related to technology how? Also you cheeky b&^%$*^$ have absolutely horrible food and you all look like someone beat you over the head with your mums cricket bat. Now if you'll excuse me I need to get back to drinking my moonshine and shooting my shotgun at various critters.
but you're not my kind of journo and these tips are weak


;)
Great, almost noting to add.

Just regarding fruits. Banana get crushed, Oranges need to be peeld, and soak your hands with glue.

Get Organic Apples. they can't get crushed, they does not need peeling, they taste great, they provide water that taste good, and more sugar than most fruits.

Remember the Apple Expos in the 80s ? They used to have tons of apples for grab in the show alleys. Why did they stop ?
/bm/
Tip 75: Sit as far away as you can from the coldsore/herpes guy who wrote this article.

Tip 76: If a restaurant sends a waitress over that looks like Coldsore Connie, immediately get up and choose seating away from her section.

Herpes...the gift that keeps on giving.
Forget the fruit, though. It goes rotten and is a pain in the butt. Dried fruit and nuts are better than the fresh stuff when travelling. Sleep whenever you can. Not worrying about annoying total strangers really is a useful point. Be nice to the people you need but everyone else can go screw themselves if they get in your way. It'll make life on the road much more pleasant for you.
"You’re abroad so the food is rubbish."

If you come from the UK, replace "rubbish" with "delicious". Oh, and those yellow things you can find abroad are equivalent to the grayish-green things known as "eggs" back at home.
10. Pack only passport, tickets and money. Nothing else matters.
9. Dont take a toilet bag.
8. Check-in agents are trained at 3rd world food-aid distribution centres so they have no empathy with your upgrade requirements.
8. Being nice to customs people in S.F. when trying to exit their hall with no hold/carry-on baggage (see point 10) ... kept me out of jail once ... barely.
7. Straight to the bar ... can't argue with that.
6. Drink water ... on an expense account ? Seek therapy .... now!
5. Buy fruit ... on an expense account ? Sure... the bean counters will never believe it and you'll become a laughing stock amongst your steak consuming colleagues.
4. OK... I DO have the yellow SF fleece from chinatown so you got me on that one.
3. You can use the phone for room service if you realise you are too sober after quitting the bar.
2. Don't forget to put your shoes back on before leaving the plane or you really will look like a prat.
1. Either be rude or drink more, both achieve the same effect.
Hi pp:

Aw, come on now. I never said CES was in SF. 

Hi Kahn:

Only joking about your food, although the UK has food from all over the world these days.

Hi everybody else:

Really excellent thoughts.