INQUIRER's Charlie confuses porn star, again

TWO YEARS AGO, we published a story about me and a hedgehog. There is a story behind it, and as of the 2006 AVN show, there is also a 3 year and counting running joke. It goes like this, and it is a sordid tale of topless men and porn stars.

When I first met Ron Jeremy in 2004, the photo was taken at the advice of a person who shan't be named, we'll just call him Rob Squires. 'Rob' insisted that I pose for a pic with Ron, and after waiting for a small eternity in line, I got my chance to say hello. Instead of a comment about genitalia and acts that would a make a longtime net surfer blush, I simply looked at him and said 'You stole my niche.'

Rather than a laugh or a quip, Mr Jeremy just stood there blinking, you could see his mind break. Jaw agape, he was at a complete loss for words, and all I had to do was make an offhanded comment. That was way to easy I thought as I posed for the picture.

When planning for the 2005 show, I was wondering what I could do to top last year's performance. Ok, it wasn't all that hard a thing to plan, if the bar was set as low the last time, it would be a piece of cake. The Inq fortress was abuzz with our seers planning, and we came up with a good one.

At AVN 2005, I walked up to Ron, pulled up my shirt, and said 'Sign my t*ts.' Again, I was greeted with light snap of a mind breaking, as he stood there, jaw hanging down, sharpie in hand. After he regained his composure, it seemingly took an eternity, he said 'OK', and started to write.

The next thing he said took me a little by surprise, he quipped, 'I will sign it backwards so you can read it in the mirror.' 'Don't bother', I replied, 'I am not weird'. Snap, mind go breaky again. Too damn easy I thought. Magee and Squires were suitably impressed, or maybe it was horrified, I was laughing to hard to be sure.

Flash forward again to 2006, how could I top that? There had to be a way. I walked up to Ron again and pulled out pictures of 2005's horror. 'Mr Jeremy, can you sign this picture of you signing my t*ts?' Snap. Blink. Jaw on floor once again.

So, he signed it. And then I pulled out another one for the camera man who had to witness that horrible event. And he signed it. And I pulled out another one, this time for my mother. Ron was kind enough to ask her name, and signed it to her. Once he regains his all too easily lost composure, Mr Jeremy is a very nice guy.

That leaves me with a conundrum, what do I do to top it in 2007? As of now, I have no ideas, but I am sure I will come up with something. If any readers have any ideas, please drop me a line. It must be clean and nice, the goal is not to embarrass or harm, only to confuse. No fires either, fire is a tool best used at IDF, locusts are for MacWorld.µ