- Thursday, 12 November 2009
- INQ Mobile
- RSS
I think it's inevitable we move to 64-bit architecture - Bob Colwell, former chief architect, Intel
Ten things you really shouldn't do before you die
TOP TEN LISTS are popular with journalists; top five lists even more so with those of a lazier disposition. Here, then is our guide to IT-related things you should avoid doing at all cost.
10. Never, ever, feel tempted to write the word 'Microsoft' with a dollar sign instead of an 's'. It wasn't even funny the first time, several decades ago, and it just makes you look like a prat. For similar reasons, 'Microshaft' should also be avoided. The use of 'Micro$haft' carries the death penalty in several countries.
9. Never write a letter to a newspaper or Website. Your righteous indignation, however deeply-felt and sincere, will be treated with derision and pinned to the office wall. Really cruel journalists may even replace all the letter esses with dollar signs.
8. Don't start a blog. No, really, just don't. If anyone wanted to read your opinions, you would be offered a job as a columnist on a national newspaper, for which you would receive £10,000 a week, minimum. The fact that you aren't being offered this kind of money should be seen as a clear message from God that nobody wants to read your drivel.
7. If you already have a blog, you should, at all cost, avoid putting a crass and corny message at the top reading something along the lines of 'Fearless, Incisive Journalism'. Rest assured that the presence of such a message in no way makes you fearless or incisive. Or a journalist.
6. Never queue all night to buy a new Apple product. Apart from the risks of catching a cold and meeting some seriously-disturbed people in the queue, you will invariably be disappointed. Half the advertised functionality won't be there; it will be easily scratched; the battery will wear out and cost $99.99 to replace. Worse still, two weeks later you will be dismayed to discover that the price has dropped by 50 per cent.
5. Avoid starting any list comprising more than five things. It is an unwritten law of journalism that you will run out of inspiration after the first five, just as the pubs are about to open and the news editor is screaming for your copy.
4. Avoid visiting sites such as Amazon or Ebay after drinking and never do so after midnight. You will be unpleasantly surprised a few days later when the postman delivers six CDs you already own and a rubber French Maid's outfit (worn once, some staining).
3. Don't decide to replace all your old vinyl albums with downloaded MP3s. There'll always be a better way of buying music coming down the track RSN. And you still haven't replaced all your vinyl with CDs as you decided to do back when Brothers in Arms came out, have you? On no account store all your albums on an Ipod. It will break.
2. Don't buy a mobile phone that claims to do anything other than allow you to make phone calls. People will point at you and laugh. On no account use an amusing ringtone. There is no such thing.
1. Avoid social networking sites such as Facebook. These are frequented by people you'd really rather not meet. Second Life should also be avoided as it is populated by people who don't have a first one. Turn off your computer. Go outside. Meet someone who's never heard of Ubuntu. µ
Share this:
ShareBusiness Intelligence Software
Customer Relationship Management (CRM)
Enterprise Accounting Software
Enterprise Resource Planning (ERP)
Enterprise Systems Management
...or you may erase the fifth and shift the first four down:
have a glass of something alcoholic, once in a while... not two, not three... just once. Siddanna, enjoy it and forget that you actually DON'T have a first life....
"Meet someone who's never heard of Ubuntu"

Just brilliant :)
So, by extension, this top ten list is in direct violation of #5 on your list. You should fire your editor. If you don't have one, get one and then fire them.
Hear, hear!! :-D
0. Don't write articles when completely bladdered. Your news ed. will publish them just to give the readership a giggle at your expense.
You nailed that one to the wall, all the way !
Brilliant !
Not even MicroFlaccid?
Yawn.
Microsoft fanboi speaks, so no bias there then..
Do you pay ever put your hand in your pockets and pay for any software you defend?
As for the continuing attacks on Apple products, are you sulking because you didn't get one for your birthday?
People should be able to spend their money as they wish, without some misanthropic hack banging on about it.
Why don't you tell us all what you spend your 'hard earned' money on?
That was just about the best (and only) Ten things I shouldn't do before I die list I've ever read. Starting from #10, "M$" right through to "Meet someone who's never heard of Ubuntu".

I totally agree with the junk-collector within us all waking up at midnight. Things just seem so much more lucrative at midnight. Sort of like beer goggles..
That is a list of your ten pet IT hates. Slap yourself round the side of the head with a rancid badger.
It's fine to start a blog but it should have been never read a blog!!!!!!







Not crap Apple products... being someone who has owned a ton of them, I can say it isn't worth it. Stop being a follower learn for yourself and buy a nicer and cheap item that can do more...

I am starting to think that Apple is bring a saying my mother use to say to life...

"If your friends jumped of a bridge would you do it to?" 

so just twist the words around

"If your friends bu Apple would you do it to?"

Both answers should be NO!
It's the theory of the Moebius, a twist in time and space where time become a loop, time becomes a loop, time becomes a loop, time becomes a loop.

b
"8. Don't start a blog. No, really, just don't. If anyone wanted to read your opinions, you would be offered a job as a columnist on a national newspaper, for which you would receive £10,000 a week, minimum. The fact that you aren't being offered this kind of money should be seen as a clear message from God that nobody wants to read your drivel."

Your whole "article" is a blog. I hope that Inq does not pay you 10k pounds a week. I hope they do not pay you at all. Yes, I too feel the love. 

Terrible article. I only see Theo pumping out interesting articles. While standard written english might not be his cup of tea, he tries unlike you folks. ouch. I love this place. It's just so... ghetto :)
Regarding #1, what about turning off my computer and going to meet up with someone that I met on Facebook, who never heard of Ubuntu and is really wonderful?
1. Start a business: Not another silly socially cancerous mob mental web 2.0 business. Something like selling bbq ribs and conch chowder on the beach in Tortola BVI or soaps and perfume in Maui

2. Make a movie or write a book: How many half written manuscripts, screenplays or movies never see the light of day due to lack of time, money or lack of any educational, social or entertainment value. Bunk! Content is King. get er done

3. Swim naked: Especially in frigid water - with some ladies

4. See mainland China: Experience the history, the people, the tiger penis soup

5. Preach fundamental religion (pick one) on a street corner: Then call people sinners and evil and such. You'll never experience as much violent hilarity again as long as you live.

6. Give to a charity: Any reputable organization that actually helps others does it better than you do.

7. Go to The Bomba Shack on a Full Moon: The all night party, the shroom tea, the loose women.

8. Do anything that involves destruction of (your own) computer gear, office equipment or even random office furniture: The joy of smashing a copier, crushing a pc or throwing a chair can never be underestimated.

9. Go to the Chicken Ranch in Reno, NV: The best little whorehouse in the West has 2 for 1 special every Wednesday. Were not talking about 2 for 1 drinks.

10. Write mildly entertaining ranty nonsensical blather to the best IT parody website on earth: the inq
Definitiuon of journalist. One who writes in a journal.

Want to know how all your favoured newspapers started? They started from people wondering if they could make a bit of extra use of those printing presses the book printers had lying about. They were started by very ordinary people who wanted to voice their opinions about things. The first "journals" were no different to these blog things (I hate that name, but it's stuck), just slower and a bit inky. This modern idea that a journalist has some sort of special, god-given right to the name (and by extension that "the press" is a profession, and that "freedom of the press" only applies to professional journalists) is rather silly. Freedom of the press applies to anyone who has a printing press of equivalent. A journalist is anyone who spouts his opinion, informed or otherwise. There's no need for anyone to actually want to listen to him...

But then as a professional spouter... sorry, journalist, you'd already know about that, wouldn't you, Andrew?
How about Microshit or Mickeysoft?
Seems more like a "clever" self important forwarded email I would get from a coworker I chose not to talk to than an Inquirer article.
@Ghandis Armpit

I bet you where one of those people who spoke loudly about how much more powerful a mac was all the way until they put an intel proc in it. Good job dumb ass. 

Is there a website for the apple nuts that lists links to anywhere something bad was said about apple? They're worse than spam. At least the guys sending you spam know they're trying to sell crap or ripping you off. Apple nuts think their crap smells like roses or something.
So am I correct that the just of your missive here is: instead of using Linux, people should just continue using Windows and hope they die early to stop the pain?
That is a good one. In reality, there are so many people you can talk to on a daily basis. Honestly, you can't be glued to the PC answering everyone you once knew. It has became one of those sites where people can brag of how many "friends" they got. In reality, they won't give a rats ass about any of em cept those 3 or 4 people.
... or the inquirer is getting better...
Talk about buyer's remorse, have you ever gotten a package from Amazon and can't remember what's inside?
calling the XBox360, by it's proper name Dirtbox360?
M-dollar is so last century. The hot new put-down is "Dimdows".
I know someone who uses Ubuntu. He talks about it a bunch, kinda seems slightly zealous. Whats the deal with number one though and Ubuntu?

I know its a linux distro, but they're all more or less similar. Not the same, Similar, just like all OSes are similar.

So yeah, I don't get the joke and I do, in fact, know a Ubuntu user.
Don't take too seriously, everything you read on the internet...especially artciles from The Inquirer.

Great list, Mr. Thomas. Looking forward to more Top 10 lists from you (even if they break your own rules).
He isn't necessarily an MS fan... saying you shouldn't spell it as M$ is the same as saying you shouldn't speek 1337. It either indicates his appreciation for proper english. Or the fact that is simply NOT funny to spell it this way and makes you seem stupid. MS sucks... but I am not stupid enough to call it M$