From behind the lines at CeBIT 2004

From Lord Bostoon,
Intelligence Office,
First Infantry Ground Force,
Hanover,
Germany

Sirs,

Can confirm advance party have tonight successfully parachuted into Bad Oeynhausen, some 50 miles outside Hanover, and immediately set about plans to forge bridgehead.

Company present included gunner M.Magee, wireless operator T.Dennis, sappper P.Dutton, and myself as acting intelligence officer.

Despite a full moon, can report we met little resistance from the Hun as we landed and so made our way, in civilian disguise, to appointed rendevous point at Hotel Hahnkamp. I can only report, sirs, that something must have gone awry with communications as there was neither reception committee nor billet and so, rather than arouse suspicions at the hotel, we instead refered ourselves to a casualty hostel adjoining the local medical clinic where I effected a severely injured toe as cover by forcefully kicking an unidentified enemy object. Any suggestions that alcohol had a role in this should be construed as insubordination by lower ranks.

That night I also effected, at great risk to myself, further infiltration of the Germans by attempting a tea dance with one of the said clinic's elder patients. Unfortunately, half way through a foxtrot and before I could interrogate her on local movements, her false leg fell off.

This aside, I did succeed in hiding her orthopaedic girdle which I believe the ministry could use in other parachute assaults.

Meanwhile could I formally ask, sirs, that future rendevous points are fully advance checked as the Hotel Hahnkamp situation posed a particularly dangerous threat. Gunner Magee, a mercurial Aberdonian at the best of times, was itching to let fly with the Browning when told by the reception desk there was no accommodation reserved. It was only by squeezing his sporren, until his eyes watered, that I was able to deflect his lethal intentions.

On the plane earlier I caught him sharpening his bagpipes and, when I quizzed him on this, his cryptic reply was that the enemy 'did not like them up 'em.'

'Always puts wind up 'em, does a wee set a bagpipes up their jacksee..', he explained. I fear for the worse.

March 18
Have reached Hanover and Camp Cebit with advance guard, though nearly had to leave sapper Dutton behind after he failed to respond to 9.30am parade call. I attribute this laxity to Dutton's proclivity, along with the rest, of taking a 'comfort bottle' to bed when they retired three hours earlier. I have since put all three men on half-whisky rations for breakfast. Must make a firm example.

The good news is that after checking out of The Clinic 'hotel' and handing in our specimen jars, we made good time to Hanover and Kampf Cebit. But it was touch and go on the platform at Bad Oeynhausen. Gestapo everywhere, disguised in suits, staring at us over the pages of Der Spiegel.

Bad Oeynhausen itself is a bit like Munich, full of modern architecture and a tribute to RAF engineering. It goes without saying that privates Magee, Dennis and Dutton were worse for wear, if not still wearing last night's wurst.

If all goes to plan today we will sneak behind Kampf Cebit lines and fully engage with the enemy. I have asked the men to file their own reports directly, as I fear you may not hear from us again..