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Sun sets on Sun speculation

Great Googlery-Moogley!
Fri Mar 17 2006, 16:49
IT'S AMAZING WHAT ONE CAN DISCOVER on Teh Interweb™. Elvis is running a chip shop in Bolton; Steve Jobs doesn't eat doughnuts; and the BBC has some top-notch technology reporters. Imagine, though, our surprise to discover that everyone's most cuddly corporation, Google, is about to snaffle up a company that sells hardware at a mark-up at which even Apple would blanch.

Daniel M. Harrison who has an expensive-looking haircut and a middle initial, so he obviously knows what he's on about, opines: "The prospects that search engine giant Google is due to buy the U.S.'s most sophisticated hardware company (sic) "have been swirling around trading floors and Silicon Valley for more than a week. Shares of Sun, which has a partnership with Google to develop and distribute each other's technology, spiked up about 4 percent last week as a result of the rumors."

Dan M. H. continues: "The analysis is making a serious impact upon the market, and now I have received an e-mail from an inside source in corporate finance who wishes to remains anonymous for the time being."

D. M. H. points out that his article originally appeared on Iowa Voice, "the U.S.'s largest Republican blog". Whether this is the most popular Republican blog, or a blog for large Republicans, is not made clear.

DMH persists: "The price of Sun Microsystems [is] up by $500 million in four days. The prices of Sun and Google are moving further and further apart, too, as the market is realising what may be truth in the rumour: at close of trading yesterday, Sun was up and Google was down again, a rare phenomenon by any standards."

Hmm. One stock goes up and another goes down. That's never happened before, has it?

"[that] my comments [on the The New York Times' Dealbook blog] — name attributed — have appeared there adds a phenomenal sign of crediility (sic)," adds DMH ('D' to his closest pals), who obviously has problems spelling 'credulity'.

"And there is more food for contemplation," continues D, in a valiant bid to torture the English language to within a gerund of its life." Last weekend I had an intense conference call with analyst Mark Stahlman." Stahlman is, apparently, 'brash, arrogant, hard-hitting and strangely compelling in his convictions' with the the voice of a converting zealot.' So that's hard evidence, then? I also have convictions, but I choose not to share the sordid details with you just now. Stahlman is also, apparently, 'Wall Street's largest tech analyst'. Just how tall is he, we wonder?

D then slobbers on about the leak of that G-Drive PowerPoint presentation the other day, adding that it was 'surreptitiously embezzled by Google moments after they realised they had made the mistake of releasing it', and that 'A corporate finance executive close to the action who wishes to remain anonymous e-mailed me shortly afterwards with the revelation that the takeover will probably involve 35 shares of Sun for 1 of Google's and that my analysis was "spot on". At this point I am not at liberty to share any more of the e-mail, but by all accounts, Google is Sunny.'

So there you have it, folks. Google is definitely buying Sun; the cheque's in the post; and I am the greatest guitarist the world has ever seen.

And that's official. µ


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