FRUIT THEMED Apple is launching its Iphone 5 next week, so we thought we'd give you a taster of what you can expect from the Iphone 5.
We've listed the 10 facts we believe you will need to know about the Iphone 5. Of course, we use the term 'facts' fairly loosely.
The Iphone 5 will be the first Apple handset to hover above surfaces. The hover method should not be confused with that used for channel crossings, this was deemed too noisy in tests and made the handset too bulky.
The hovering will be almost invisible to the naked eye, like a hummingbird's wings in motion, and will only be used to prevent lower surface scratches when the device is placed down.
The Iphone 5 will double as a beard trimmer. This is expected to have significant appeal amongst beardies who like to stay on top of their foliage, but might also be useful to edge lawns or smooth edges when working with wood.
With beards becoming increasingly popular amongst CEOs and technology workers in general, Apple might think that the space and size sacrifices are worth it for the good housekeeping credits.
The Iphone 5 will come with a length of material that can be attached to the user's wrist. This is made of spider's silk and is both flexible, should you wander around a corner without holding your phone, and strong, should a criminal attempt to take it and run away with it.
Apple might not proceed with this plan, sources suggest, as spiders are icky and hard to catch, and it was a bad idea from the start.
Each Apple Iphone buyer will receive a rubber version of their handset for free on purchase. This decoy model is to be used when travelling in rough areas, as vapid phone calls can be acted out using the device, without risking the loss of the real model.
Should a mugger approach, the user will be able to run away with their real Iphone 5 and other Apple goodies, simply by hurling the decoy at the mugger or in the opposite direction.
The Iphone 5 has a pop out airbag that inflates via a motion sensor when it detects the user is in danger. Whether in the car or lost at sea, or even walking on uneven ground, the airbag can be a real life saver.
Apple is looking to diversify its audience still further, so it has made an Iphone 5 so that can transform into a hook, so every pirate will buy one. Containing the same technology used to make the early transformers - the real deal, not the toy - Apple's new model can turn into a hook that will fit quite nicely on the end of any pirate's arm. Even better, it still works as a phone when it's in its hook mode.
Free polo neck shirt
The Iphone 5 will come with a free black polo neck shirt so that members of Steve Job's clan can emulate their leader. The polo shirt contains an additional see through pocket, so Iphone fans can display their holy Apple wares to others.
Can make phone calls
State of the art technology allows the Iphone to make phone calls, no matter how it is held. However, sources tell us it works better when it is held on the left hand side, slightly tilted at a 40 degree angle. A case is also available for better reception, costing $100 on top of the price of the device.
Can turn into a green robot
This one we are not supposed to know about but, using the transformer technology we mentioned above, the Iphone 5 can also turn into a green robot. Sources suggest that the purpose of this is to infiltrate Google, or something.
Re-badged Iphone 4
Suggestions that the Iphone 5 is actually an Iphone 4 with an Iphone 5 sticker on it are thought to be based on nonsense. For one thing the Iphone 5 is supposed to be a bit bigger than the previous model, but that might be because of the beard trimmer. µ
Yet another app closed on flailing platforms
The companies have been talking about it for a long time
But it's probably not going to be available to customers anytime soon
But it's OK cos he thinks the battery life is crap