LET US INTRODUCE you to Search Perks, Microsoft’s latest effort to get people to move away from Googantua and use its own Internet search service which gives people points, and what do points mean?

That’s right – points mean prizes. [You sure about this? Ed.]

All users need to do is download a Volish program which tracks their every search in exchange for a magical ticket. And you can earn a maximum of 25 tickets a day.

Next April users will be able to redeem their tickets for some much-coveted prizes. We haven't quite determined what prizes are on offer, and Microsoft is being a bit vague about the whole thing with some very clip-arty pics of random stuff on the sign-up website, but our money is on unwanted Zune media players, Vista Home Edition discount vouchers and stuffed cuddly Voles.

Alternatively, users can donate their winnings to charity. Such as Steve 'Tinkerbell' Ballmer's Stock Loss Compensation Fund for the Bonusless and Distraught.

Microsoft has bribed people to use its search engines before but is still labouring with less than nine per cent of US search clicks and falling compared to the mighty Gurgle's 63 per cent and rising, according to Comscore's latest figures.

Although to get your hands on the as-yet-unnamed swag you'll have to use Internet Exploder 6.0 or higher as well as a Windows PC, Microsoft reckons these restrictions aren’t permanent.

Vole is looking for 250,000 guinea pigs and, although rewards can only be gained until April at present, the company may decide to extend the program... if it works. Which it won't.

Spokesvole Whitney Burk said, "We know we have some challenges with the brand and perception… simple awareness is still a challenge for us," adding in a rather sinister manner, "Over the long-term these programs have changed people's behaviour."

Having a car battery attached to your dangly bits often has the same effect. µ