BRITAIN'S ANSWER TO MIAMI, Bournemouth, is to get the country's first network of super fast Interweb connections.

The Dorset seaside town, where many of the UK's old folk are sent to trudge through their declining years wearing weary grins and plastic raincoats, will soon have the best Internet connections the nation has to offer in the form of ultra high bandwidth fibre optic cable which will run through the town's sewer system.

The cabling company H20, which has been providing fat pipes to businesses and universities throughout the UK for some years now, is planning to roll out a nationwide network in the future.

The obvious benefits of using an existing underground system are that roads don't need to be dug up to provide connections and that pretty much every dwelling in the UK has some sort of link to the waste system.

This first foray into the sewers will bring up to 100Mbps into 88,000 homes and will start to bring the UK into line with the rest of mainland Europe where speeds between 50 and 100Mbps are common.

The UK has 360,000 miles of sewers and, as we all know, the internet is already full of crap. µ